


How sweet the pain can be

by proudandbroken



Category: Black Sails
Genre: Angst, Body Worship, Books, Cuddling & Snuggling, Darkness, Drabble, Drabble Collection, Fantasizing, Guilt, Hugs, Hurt John Silver, Idiots in Love, John Needs A Hug, Kissing, Lies, Loneliness, Love, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Nightmares, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Ocean, Poor John, Poor Life Choices, Regret, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Rough Kissing, Sacrifice, Self-Sacrifice, Sexual Fantasy, Touch-Starved, Trust Issues, Tumblr Prompt, Unrequited Love, also a lot of flinthamilton mentions, bc it's not a flint fic without messages left in books lol, but that's pretty much canon anyways, flint has a kink for silvers hair, sacrifice for love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-08-19 10:49:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 1,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16533131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/proudandbroken/pseuds/proudandbroken
Summary: A collection of drabbles, written for the weekly drabble challenge of the silverflintdaily blog where you get 3 words and have to write a drabble using them or any variations of the word.#18 Celebrate, Dream, Melody





	1. Tradition, Captive, Labor

**Author's Note:**

> So I decided to finally crosspost my drabbles also here, for all the folks who don't keep a tumblr. I have a few drabbles backed up so those will be posted in a somewhat regular schedule. And since this pairing just brings the worst out of me and I enjoy the suffering of my poor boys I hope you enjoy my short angst fests :')
> 
> Kudos and any kind of feedback are very much appreciated! <3

Sometimes he wondered if it had been all worth it, if he hadn’t made a huge mistake. Thoughts full of regret keeping him awake at night.

All the hard labor for their cause was gone. Traded for a life in captivity. Invisible chains holding him on this island, with nothing left but endless loneliness.

He missed him, wanted him, loved him and failed his only chance. He could only wish for James’ happiness, that only he himself would have to suffer the consequences of his decision.

It was his torturous tradition. Begging forgiveness to the vast emptiness of the sea.


	2. Past, Honesty, Travel

Past sins torturing him his entire life. Driving him into a life of lies and deceit. The barest instinct to survive. No matter how. It was the price he had to pay.

For love there was another price. It wanted honesty. Something he could not give.

Instead a final sacrifice of letting go. Of creating a chance for a life he knew he would never have. He paid the biggest price, sacrificing himself for another’s happiness.

In the end he was left in hell. Forced to travel a never-ending journey of loneliness.

A self-imposed prison he could never break free.


	3. Red, Fault, Drought

The first time he had touched him he had flinched away. Involuntarily. A lifelong instinct of trying to protect himself.

It was hardly his fault his brain associated touch with never-ending agony.

He wanted this. He craved it. The comfort of an embrace, of fingers on his skin, torturing him with pleasure instead of pain.

Now he soaked up those touches, craving them just as much as dry soil craved water after a long drought. An addiction he never wanted to cure.

Drenched in deep red blood he kissed him, hard and passionately as they watched just another city burn.


	4. Owl, Horizon, Scream

_Come back. I love you. Please. Don’t leave me alone. I need you._

He was yelling at the horizon, tears on his face. There were no answers. Only the ocean lapping at his feet, the once so calm water turning into a maelstrom of blood and destruction, torturing him with past mistakes until he could do nothing more but scream for help.

Until he woke. Alone. It was nothing but a dream.

The screeches of the owls in the distance breaking the heavy cloud of silence around him.

The only comfort he would get in his self-imposed prison of loneliness.


	5. Villian, Water, Book

The water had claimed him, stolen him from his arms to create another. Someone to take his place.

He should have felt happiness, at losing the burden of being something he did not want to be.

He never wanted to be a villain. He also never wanted him to take his place in this nightmare.

Such was the price they had to pay to the ocean.

Years later there was a book on his doorstep, used and worn out.

Opening it he could only make out two words, blurred by the many tears that had fallen on them.

_Forgive me._


	6. Story, Pistol, Rabbit

With shaking fingers he tried to tighten his grip around the pistol, willing himself to be strong enough, to not let it fall to the ground.

_I care for you._

_I need you._

_I love you._

Unspoken words to be locked inside his mind for eternity.

_This needs to end._

_I found him. I returned him to you._

_I don’t love you._

He had lied instead. It was better that way. In the end it would be nothing more than another of his meaningless stories. One of many.

Dragging him deeper down into this rabbit hole of distortion and misery.


	7. Trust, Energy, Mother

Sometimes he dreamed. Of warmth. Of love and kindness. The long lost memory of a mother’s embrace. A longing hidden deep inside his heart.

There was no place for love in his life. No matter how much he wished for it. Cursed to always want what he could not have.

_Trust me._

Two words. Begging him to give in.

He did not have the energy to fight it. But perhaps there was no need. Not anymore. Perhaps he could have this. A chance at happiness. Something he had dreamed of his entire life.

Soft kisses and strong arms around him.


	8. Pirate, Grace, Fire

_I never wanted this._

Not a life full of lies. Not a pirate’s life. Not the loss of everything and everyone he’d cared for.

He did not want to fall in love. For he knew it would bring him only more pain. A betrayal of his own heart, punishing him for all his past sins.

In the end he could only stand with grace, holding back the tears as he pushed him away, towards the happiness he himself would never know.

Alone he watched the fire devour the ship, leaving nothing but chaos and ruin. A mirror to his soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Christmas! <3 Sorry for the angst this time, but I promise there will be also so happier drabbles in the new year :)


	9. Love, Tease, Haunted

He was loved. He was cherished. He was worshipped.

Demanding kisses stealing his breath and a bristly beard scratching the sensitive skin of his neck.

Strong arms around him and rough hands on his heated skin, teasing until his back arched from the sheets and he drowned in pleasure.

Until he woke up. And there was nothing but cold sheets around him. No warmth. No love. Just abandonment. Nothing but a dream of something he craved more than life itself.

He was cursed. To live a life of loneliness. Haunted by the memories of a love he could never have.


	10. Revolution, Mask, Dance

What was left of him?

A death mask on his face. For his soul had perished on that fateful day, nothing more but the empty shell of his body remaining.

Trapped in a questionable revolution. A fight for a purpose that had long lost its meaning. Was it madness? Or apathy? The chains of exhaustion weighing heavy on his legs.

Trapped in an endless dance with another, yearning for closeness and yet being separated by a seemingly impassable trench. Too afraid to take the leap. A never ending status quo, the only way to keep what little comfort there was.


	11. Blade, Record, Rock

A blade to the back. The beginning of his misery.

Would he change anything in retrospect? Even if he could? He was not sure.

Was there even another purpose for him. Something else than to exist as the rock upon which he build his church. An altar to another. Almost overflowing by the blood of the sacrifices brought to it. A macabre way to keep record of their now shared sorrow.

And yet he had agreed to bear this weight. If only one of them could find happiness. Then even he himself would become a martyr upon this very altar.


	12. Moonlight, Map, Paint

In the darkness of the night, he could pretend. In the darkness of the night, he could rest. No more thoughts. No more maps to be memorized. No war to be fought.

The only map to follow was one of endless freckles painted upon soft skin, leading to a treasure far more important than gold.

In darkness lit only by soft moonlight he could lose himself to passionate kisses, a heavy body pinning him to the sheets.

For in the darkness of the night he could pretend. That he was loved. That he was happy. That this was not temporary.


	13. Wine, Paper, Lock

His power had been intoxicating. A dangerous attraction, a craving for safety in those arms. To be touched and worshipped.

Strong hands, buried in his long locks, holding him close as he had claimed his mouth with such a force he had struggled to remember how to breathe.

How many times had he kissed the blood from his skin, desperate and wanton, as if it had been the sweetest wine he’d ever tasted. Yet another addiction with no cure.

Now all that was left were his tears falling onto the paper, smudging every apology he’d written in the past decades.


	14. Snow, Gun, Remorse

Deep red blood on white snow. A memory still burned into his head even decades later. Teaching him a precious lesson. Forcing him onto his destined life path.

There was no snow anymore. Only heat and deep blue waves consuming the white sand, dragging it into its depths.

There was peace. For a few precious moments.

Stolen kisses in dark places. Bodies rocking with the rhythm of the waves crashing against the ship. Sharing warmth in those cold nights.

In the end it did not matter. Love always ended looking down the barrel of a gun.

What remained was remorse.


	15. Tactile, Impulse, Heav

He had never been a tactile person, despite his ability to manipulate people however he wanted. He was good with his mouth. Not with his hands. There was never the need to touch people.

There was sometimes a need to let himself be touched. A heavy burden if his goals required it. But he never enjoyed it, never wanted it. Until he met him.

A desperate kiss after a battle, fingers touching bloodied skin. Nothing but an impulse decision, awakening a want he never expected. He needed this. The embrace, the kisses. A true blessing for his touch starved soul.


	16. Contempt, Pray, Glass

He did not understand, could not comprehend why he was willing to touch him, to care for him.

The miracle of finding that one person in the world not feeling anything but contempt for him, to find someone just as messed up as he was. Someone who would understand.

The comfort of loving kisses and strong arms keeping him safe at night.

In the end it seemed love was just like another bullet. Shattering the walls around him just as easily as if they are made of glass.

He could only pray he would not later regret letting it happen.


	17. Light, Music, Letter

Another one finished. One of the many unsent letters, locked away in shame for the rest of eternity. Just another reminder of his terrible loss.

Sometimes he dared to dream. How their life would have been under different circumstances. Without all these losses. Without the pain.

He imagined them living together, enjoying soft kisses as they listened to the soft music of a piano somewhere far away. Resting peacefully in a cocoon of shared warmth of their entwined bodies.

Such a shame it was never real.

The soft light of the moon being the only witness to his unshed tears.


	18. Celebrate, Dream, Melody

He was trapped. Deep in the bowels of the Walrus, water rushing in from each direction, leaving him no way of escape, dragging him into the depths of the ocean, drowning in his own desperate screams.

Until he woke from this dream, relieved to feel the air entering his lungs as he tried to catch his breath.

Above deck the men were celebrating, the noise grounding him back to reality.

Still exhausted he curled closer to Flint, resting his head on his chest. The soft drumming underneath his ear the perfect melody to lure him back to a restful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was it. All 18 drabbles. This challenge was a lot of fun and I hope you enjoyed reading it despite all the angst. I tend to write. :D But for the end I just had to let them be happy together and not make them suffer as much as I usually do. Thank you all for reading! <3


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